The A Word ~ The Visit

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A small school uniform hangs in the kitchen. We placed it there a few days ago so that little man can get used to seeing it.

Next Tuesday he will be wearing it for the first time when he starts school. To him wearing the uniform will mean that he is going to school, so we chose not to confuse him by asking him to wear it beforehand. At this point I have absolutely no idea if S will willingly wear the uniform or if I will have a fight on my hands to get him dressed. I’m going to get up extra early… just in case.

We talk to him about school every day. We show him the photographs of the classrooms and teachers that the school kindly sent for him to look at during the holidays. They are aware of little man’s problems and they are prepared for him. No doubt they are prepared for a child with learning difficulties but whether or not they are ready for S himself is a another kettle of fish altogether!

Mrs C, (the SENCO), who will be working closely with S came to see us today. We were supposed to meet her on the second school visit but we had to cancel because S had got Chicken Pox. It was arranged that she would come and see us, so true to her word, she turned up this morning and spent over an hour with us.

Mrs C didn’t sit on the sofa or the chair, she got down to little man’s level ,(on the floor). My son either takes to someone or he doesn’t and I’m chuffed to be able to say that he took an instant liking to her. Within minutes he was sat on her lap having a cuddle, what more could I ask for?

As well as talking to S she talked to me, asking all about his needs, his ‘triggers’, routines etc. She has autistic children herself, so she knows how I feel. I admit that I had to walk out at one point because I was crying. That’s how it gets me when another human being says “I know how difficult it is for you at times…I’ve been there”. So often I am judged by people who see my son as a naughty child and me as an incompetent mother. You develop a hard skin, you have to, but you’re not hard inside. This lady took time out of her day, (and time away from her family), to come and see us, to put our minds at ease. She’s done the courses required to look after my child but more than that, she can empathise because she’s experienced it with her own children.

At the end of the visit she was holding my son in her arms like a baby…he likes that and he likes her and that makes me happy.

I won’t lie to you…despite everything I’m still dreading Tuesday. My heart sinks a little bit further every time I look at the uniform. I can’t bring myself to write his name in everything because it hurts to think of him not being here.

For the last four years he’s been my little mate. My life has revolved around him, his meltdowns and his overwhelming love. He must squeeze me a hundred times a day with twice as many kisses. He’s a character. He loves to make me laugh. If he does something once and it makes me laugh he will do it time and time again. He is a wonderful human being.

As a mother, it’s my duty to let him go. We don’t have children so that we can hold them back. We help them to become the best that they can be and that’s what I will be thinking about on Tuesday morning when I’m walking away from the school gate. You’d think having two other sons that I would be used to this by now…but the truth is that it’s hurt every time. I’ve cried every time and this time will be no different. And as with the other times…I will hold back the tears until he’s out of sight.

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12 thoughts on “The A Word ~ The Visit

  1. Beautifully written. I had enough trouble saying goodbye when mine were 5, but putting your kids into the school system at 4 must be even harder. Sending some hugs to keep in reserve for Tuesday xx

  2. Big huge hugs Sis. Mrs C sounds lovely and it must be such a relief that S likes her and has taken to her. And that she knows!!
    You’re a brilliant mummy and while it makes you sad he’s going, you know he has to and aren’t letting him see you sad. Your life is still going to revolve around him but the time you spend together will be even more special since he’ll be at school during during day and you’ll have lots of stories to tell each other in there afternoon πŸ™‚
    I’m off work on Tuesday so I’ll be able to speak to you all day if you need me. In love you Sis xxx

  3. Hope it goes well for you. It’s a rite of passage for the parent as much as it is for the child & you’re absolutely entitled to shed some tears. Hug him and love him because not many years and he’ll be a teenager & then one day you’ll drop him off somewhere and he’ll say “Well, bye then” and there’ll be a huge, empty space in your life. Will be thinking of you. Lots of love xx

    • Thanks Mark,
      I already have two empty spaces in my life. You’d think that I would have toughened up a lot by now but it doesn’t work that way…
      You’re right of course… I do treasure every hug and kiss because I know that things will change. Little man will get older and the hugs and kisses will become fewer and it will hurt. But as ‘ol blue eyes used to say… that’s life!
      I really appreciate your lovely words. Thank you. xx

  4. What a beautiful post. So glad he liked Mrs C, it must make it a whole lot easier for you, although it will still be understandably tough. It’s so true what you say about letting them go and not holding them back. None of us really want to let our children start school, but we know it has to be done.
    Good luck to you both for Tuesday. x

  5. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. But if I forget on Tuesday, know that I am thinking about it right now!
    For on Tuesday, I’ll be happy to get rid of …….!! It’s been a hard slog as you know and I’m looking forward to some peace and quiet.
    But you know I understand your worries xx

    Mrs.C sounds terrific.

    • You deserve some peace and quiet my love x
      I know you will be thinking of me and little man. You’ve been with me for the majority of this journey with little man and you know how much it means to me. xXx

  6. I got my peace and quiet, yay! Lazy mornings and I did something very usual on one day last week..I had three hours sleep in the day. I must have needed it I tell this lazy bugger!

    When your journey has love in it, it’s always a little easier.

    Vice-versa

    xx

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