Confessions of a Cleaner

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Once upon a time I was a domestic engineer, in other words I was a cleaner!

Cleaning wasn’t the most glamorous job I’d envisioned having, but it paid some bills and put food on the table. I joined a company and they gave me the job of cleaning a warehouse, (mainly offices and bogs), by myself! So, er, go me!

Apologies if you don’t like the word ‘bog’ but in this case it’s apt. Particularly for the Gents!

I was issued with a tabard, (a most unsexy uniform worn by workers in the catering, cleaning and healthcare industries, in case you didn’t know), pleas for a protective suit and face mask went unheeded, though my supervisor did grant me extra air fresheners and rubber gloves.

The worst part of cleaning is the toilets. It’s a SHIT job, literally!

I had a big sign made up so the Neanderthals would know when the toilets were out of bounds because I, the FEMALE cleaner, was in there cleaning…obvs! Mostly they obeyed the sign which allowed me time to do my thing with the mop and VAT of disinfectant.

But it was in this latrine most foul that my eyes were opened to the depravity of the male species.

Being a sister, wife and mother meant that I had loads of experience with unidentifiable organic life-forms and general man-pong but this was in a different league altogether. We’re talking Biohazard level 3!

Arming myself with two cans of Pine Fresh, (one in each hand), I’d walk up to the Gent’s door, kick it open with a swift boot from my size 4 slip-on and call out..

“YOOOO-HOOOOO, ANYBODY IN HERE”?

Occasionally someone would fart, (man-code for yes), so I’d hover outside wafting a duster about until they exited the room. Then I’d slap the “DO NOT ENTER, CLEANING IN PROGRESS” sign on the door and wade in blasting both cans of air freshener simultaneously, a bit like Lara Croft (if Lara Croft was like Nora Batty)

This ritual was necessary for me to be able to work in that room without falling into a stench induced coma. For those of you who have never cleaned professionally, (specifically toilets), but who do have teenage sons..well, you know that smell when you walk into their bedroom first thing in the morning and you nearly die from the fumes? Well multiply it by, ooh erm, a million and you might get the idea.

Monday was the worst day to clean the Gents because they’d all been on the lash the night before with maybe a curry or a dodgy kebab on the way back from the pub….OK, I’ll leave it there! The graphics are burned into my memory but I’ll spare you!

Removing The Sun, (open at page 3), or the Daily Sport, (open at any page), from at least one of the cubicles was a daily occurrence. There were normally copius amounts of bog roll strewn on the floor, chocolate wrappers and half-eaten pies. Yes PIES!!!

Who the hell eats a PIE on the toilet???

BARF-A-RAMA!!!

On one occasion I prodded open a cubical door with my mop and saw a vending machine cup on the floor and next to it was a page 3 lady with large breasticles pouting at me.

WARNING!! IT GETS EWWWWWY!!

On closer inspection, the cup was a third full of some transparent liquid and what looked to be a PUBE, floating in it. I’ve seen some sinister looking stuff drop out of the vending machine but never that!

By now you have probably exceeded the maximum on your Vom-o-meter and I apologise but I exceeded mine on day one of the job.

Mums, if you have little boys at home, take a good long look at their innocent little faces. Hold them close to your bosom and savour the moment because in a few years, they too will turn into creatures capable of such foul deeds. I’m warning you, as is my duty.

Then there was the time when the door burst open and in strutted a young man who proceeded to whip Mr Winky-Dinky-Do out into the urinals.

The sign was clearly on the door and I was standing in the middle of the room… I’m small but I’m not a Borrower!

Standing there leaning on my mop, I said, “Oi, didn’t you see the sign on the door?”

He winked at me, (with the eye on his face), and said “Yeeeah, I don’t mind if you don’t, I’m bustin!”

I think I’d been flashed…

Didn’t quite know what to do with that so I Iaughed at him, which was possibly not the reaction he was after!

Nope, this kind of cleaning isn’t for the faint-hearted. You need a certain kind of attitude (or the ability to develop one) and it helps enormously if you have no sense of smell.

My claim to fame is that I came across some graffiti one day that said “I’d sh*g the cleaner”! It’s not everybody who can claim fame on the loo wall. Well classy!

Of course they could have been referring to the previous cleaner who was about 60. And male.

Who knows?

If you see a miserable cleaner, you now know the reason why. Pity them because they’ve seen some bad stuff, you know? If you see a smiling cleaner, they’ll most likely be high on a concoction of tranqs and disinfectant!

“Golly, I just love cleaning toilets”. Said no cleaning lady ever.

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This post is dedicated to Sheerie, as promised. xXx

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27 thoughts on “Confessions of a Cleaner

  1. Oh, this literary treasure just gets better and better ……….. and LOL! .. just LOVE the Missus Mop photo in this here Bog Blog!

    My very favourite ‘make-my-day’ read. Keep ’em coming. xxxxxxx

  2. OMG….a blog dedicated to me…….that must make me famous……
    I’m so glad I suggested this blog, I think it must be one of your more popular ones, quite a lot of replys already….
    When reading I was PMSL…..not good considering you have written about *wee, poo & male bodily functions & pubic hair in a cup…..
    This was such a funny blog Tracy….I laughed & laughed, not at you as a cleaner but with you…
    I treat everybody I work with the same, from our lovely cleaner to the top consultant.
    One thing I don’t get is that I just couldn’t poo at work but if the need came from nowhere, I can assure you, it would be left clean.
    PLEASE TELL ME WHOEVER ARE SO UP THEIR OWN ARSES THAT THEY THINK SOMEBODY WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO CLEAN THEIR SH*T OFF OF THE TOILET.
    RESPECT TO EVERY CLEANER…..XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    • Thanks, Sheerie. πŸ™‚
      If you and the lovely Spencer hadn’t have suggested it, I’d probably never thought of it…
      It’s funny that cleaners are stereotyped because it’s something that we do in our own homes every day and the thing about cleaning jobs is that the hours suit a lot of people. They suited me and once I got the ‘icky’ part of the job out of the way, I enjoyed it!
      Indeed…respect to every cleaner!
      xXxXxXx

  3. Will be quiet for about a week and a half T – getting ready for my hol.
    Remember those waffles …. they’ll have to wait til I’m back. Reason – I’ve had this face-ache for a while now…turns out I need a root canal filling and they can’t do it until after my hol so I’m pumped up with antibiotics. It’s not too bad but it’s made me awfully tired and want to rest before I go ..anyway, it may not be waffles, it probably won’t be as I think something from my hol would be nicer for S. No, it won’t be a cage bless him ! And I’d eat those waffles and I’m avoiding sugary things at the mo and I’m terrible with temptation. That Yorkie is a distant memory. So I’m off to Spain – boys getting excited now πŸ™‚ Ta ra til I’m back x

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