Sitting, Waiting, Wishing


Tomorrow is the day that we will find out whether or not S will be diagnosed as autistic.

I don’t need a diagnosis to know it. I’m his Mother and I understand my son but that doesn’t guarantee a diagnosis. It’s not down to me.

I have gone over tomorrow a thousand times in my head.

What if they diagnose him?

What if they don’t?

The scenarios are that they will:

a) Diagnose him

b) Not go for a diagnosis at this stage.

c) Reject autism as a diagnosis & discharge.

For me, only two are acceptable and that’s diagnose or delay because I know that S is autistic. I’ve lived with him for every day of his four and a half years and autism is the only thing that fits.

He has been cleared of any other health issues that could cause his problems.

S goes to speech therapy. He has no speech delay but he does have social communication difficulties.Β  Last Friday was his latest appointment and we’d spent all week psyching him up for it. We have to do this with everything out of his everyday routine. What we forgot to do was tell him that it wouldn’t be in the usual place…

S was in a relatively good mood as we set off but he immediately realised that we were going in the opposite direction and he shouted out that we were going the wrong way, (one of his obsessions are street names and roads- he memorizes them). We told him that we were going to a different place for the therapy.

Well that was it.

His mood changed and he became agitated. From happy to unhappy in 0.60.

When we got into the waiting room he wouldn’t sit still. He was hyper and talking in a funny voice. After about ten minutes the speech therapist came out and ushered us in. S was non compliant from the word go. He was grabbing things, babbling, shouting, swiping cards off the table, pushing the therapists arm away from him. We were there for about ten minutes trying to get him to sit down but he was too overwhelmed. So we had to abandon the session and she said it would be better for her to go and see him at school.

All this because we forgot to tell him of a change of venue. If that isn’t autism, I don’t know what is.

This is S. This is what he does, but sods law says that the two occasions that he saw the paediatrician during the assessment he was compliant.

It’s my feeling that we will have to wait a little longer and that’s OK with me. Autism doesn’t go away. If he is autistic, like we think he is, it’s part of who he is.

Tonight will be a very long night but I have to accept that at this point, I have no control over what tomorrow will bring.

All I can do is sit, wait and wish for the best outcome for my son.

β€œAre you ready?” Klaus asked finally.
“No,” Sunny answered.
“Me neither,” Violet said, “but if we wait until we’re ready we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives, Let’s go. ~ Lemony Snicket – The Ersatz Elevator

Image Credit Gettys Girl


27 thoughts on “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

  1. Good luck waiting for the appointment, I’m sure you just want to it to be over with so you can ‘know’ what any next steps might be and to perhaps just put your mind at rest. Hope it goes as well as these things can go. xx

  2. Though a diagnosis is never easy I think the fact that you have accepted in your heart that he is on the spectrum it maybe makes it slightly easier. I can empathise with your conflicting feelings. Sending all my best wishes xxxx

  3. It comes down to whether they feel they have enough info at this point. I don’t know the answer to that but I can’t see option C here. They have to be careful and they will want to try and get it right and I do think they will listen to you very carefully. If you’re not offered a cup of tea and you want one, ask for one! It may help to settle you a bit. They know you’ll be nervous and they’ll be very nice to you. You’ll see. xx

    • Thanks L,
      You know my feelings – we’ve talked about it often enough. You know what I’m expecting but I’m still a bag of nerves. It’ll be OK. xXx

  4. I love you and my gorgeous little buddy S.
    I hope you get the news that you both need tomorrow so that you can move forward and S can get any help that he needs.
    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. Let me know how you get on xxx

    • Thanks sis,
      I’ll be OK – S is none the wiser – he’s snoring upstairs totally unaware that Mumsie is in bits lol
      Of course I’ll let you know. xXx

    • No. OH will be there. Just as well because info gets lost on me. I either have to write it down or have someone with me. Plus, if the paediatrician utters the words “nothing wrong” I’ll be done for GBH! Not likely, I know lol xXx

  5. This is the worst part … the waiting. Good luck Tracy and S. I’ve got positive vibes in abundance here at the moment – so sending a whole heap of them your way to last all the way through The Big Day tomorrow. xxxxx

  6. Your Old Hobag? (titter..just think of that tomorrow on the way) xxx

    Night night my friend.

    β€œI know of nobody who is purely autistic, or purely neurotypical. Even God has some autistic moments, which is why the planets spin.”
    ― Jerry Newport, Your Life is Not a Label

  7. You’ve totally summed up how I felt when M went for her ADOS – we knew, but we didn’t know what everyone else would see.
    And then we panicked in case we were stupidly wrong, and then that we were right etc etc.

    Wishing you a calm night and for tomorrow to give you the right answers, whatever they need to be tomorrow.
    Biggest hugs my lovely xxxxxx

  8. *My kid has autism what’s yours kids superpower?* just read that Tracey wish I could be there to support you but you are in my thoughts+have been all morning.Hope you get the diagnosis you need for S but whatever you are such a wonderful strong mom he will be alright.When you are not alright come to us your twitter family we will give you strength to go back to him as *Supermom* hugs+kisses Aunty Franca.

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