Some Mother’s Do Ave Em

Mother’s Day is coming. It’s the day where grown children dust off their old dears and take em to a garden centre. Or the pub.

As a society, we pay homage to our mother’s – acknowledging their sacrifices of body and mind. Body because the average mother’s stomach looks like a deployed airbag once it’s housed a couple of babies. The bigger the baby, the bigger aftermath. Trust me, I know!

Mothers will declare that they love their stretch marks because they remind them how lucky they are to have been blessed with children. Mothers wears these battle scars with pride. But occasionally after having consumed the best part of a box of Shiraz, they can be found slumped over an old photo of their teenage selves sporting crop tops and single chins.

They jab at the picture with a Wotsit and slur, ‘Thash uhsed to be me!’

Mind because all mothers succumb to insanity at some point.

Like millions of mothers, I’ve woken up on Mother’s Day to cards being thrust in my face, alongside cremated toast, anaemic looking tea and flowers that look suspiciously like next doors tulips.

Cards such as this one where I’m depicted as a svelte looking Princess and for some reason – blonde.


For a while I was on a pedestal. This would change.

They mutated into teenagers – that’s why it changed.

I was turfed off my pedestal to make way for Nintendo, Cricket and South Park.

One memorable Mothers Day, my middle son kicked open the bedroom door and presented me with his card and a mug of tea. He was older by this time and the tea had evolved into something actually resembling tea.

I noted that there was nothing from my oldest child.

My ovaries shrivelled a bit.

21 hours of utter agony giving birth to him – complete with enema, intermittent vomiting, a seriously pissed off midwife who was bearing the brunt of a staff shortage, three stitches, having to walk like John Wayne for the next two weeks and the MOTHER of all haemorrhoids which to this day still gives me gyp. Miffed doesn’t begin to cut it.

My stretch marks flamed bright red (like Harry Potter’s scar when Lord Volderface was close by) and my Farmer Gile started itching like a bitch – always does when I’m stressed.

Nostrils flared, I flounced downstairs in my dressing gown and fluffy slippers to unleash Mothergeddon on my first born.

I plotted my revenge.

I would refuse to wash his cricket kit. Let him wash his own sodding jock strap. Ha!

And never again would I drive him around to deliver his papers because he was late and in danger of a docking of pay.

Then I heard the front door open and close.

A few minutes later, he walked in and placed an envelope on the mantelpiece. He looked shifty. He looked very shifty.

One solitary word on the envelope.


I opened it to find an untitled card with a old fashioned lady on the front.

I looked inside and this, dear reader, is what I saw.


His dad was walking past. He glanced at it and casually said, ‘You’re dead, Son’.

It was half way through Mother’s Day and the Co-op had sold out of cards – so he’d improvised. Bless ‘im.

Once my eye stopped twitching –  I saw the funny side.

All I ever wanted to be was a mother and if I leave this world having accomplished only that, I’ll die happy.


To Mother’s everywhere – I salute thee.

Mother’s hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever. ~ Unknown


18 thoughts on “Some Mother’s Do Ave Em

  1. Love this. As honest and caring as always. Your boys are very handsome and I’m so proud to be their Aunt 🙂 Love you Sis xxx

  2. Love you truth about Mothers Day Tracy….you always get perfect *yummy mummy’s* who I believe make up their happy world and in fact they are just like us “normal” mums!!! Birthday card changed into Mothers Day card shows caring innovation for a lad… it!!!
    I never want huge bouquets but prefer daffodils, as long as they are nicked!!!! That £1 spent has actually come from them.
    Don’t start me on *piles*, been there! done that….still love a good scratch! which only inflames the fucking things….no chance if me ever having an affair!!!
    My oldest lad, now 23, made me laugh so much with his school made Mothers Day card, he signed it from Thomas Franks, as if I didn’t know who he was!!! JUST PERFECT.
    Forget the bragging Mums, I’m just happy with what ever turns up on the day!!!
    I know you like me are not about *the biggest & the best* to brag to other mums! we are just happy with having our kids and if anything turns up from them, not our OH’s…it’s the best!!!
    Love you always, twitter Ma xxxxx

    • LOLOL!!
      This comment really made me laugh out loud!!
      I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…you should do a blog. It would be hilarious!
      Thank you for your lovely (and v funny) words. Love you. xXx

  3. fab! You always make me laugh with your detailed descriptions! Your THREE boys are gorgeous and look loads of fun. Hope you have a great Mother’s Day this year xxx

  4. I love this post ! I always tease mine for a couple of weeks before mothers day ,asking them if theyve been busy making me special cards and buying me presents , but they know that the thing that really makes me happy is a cup of tea in bed and a cuddle ( i do usually get a couple of hastily drawn homemade cards though, made while im drinking my tea 😃)

  5. Hello sweetheart hope you had the lovely Mother’s Day you deserved loved this blog made me laugh out loud at the piles….as the midwife said to me as I was pushing *It`s popped out*Ant was ecstatic I was overjoyed til we found out she was talking about a bloody pile+not the baby silly mare.Love your 3 boys so handsome obviously follow you.The oldest with curlers is the spit of you as you get ready to go out lol.Just remember however old they get they will always be your babies you will always be the first most important lady in their lives…..sorry took so long to comment love you hugs+kisses xxx Franca

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