What Not To Buy The Menopausal Woman This Christmas

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In the spirit of the season, I am imparting my menopausal wisdom onto the male of the species so that they may not only survive Christmas, but gain valuable brownie points by not buying something totally crap for their hormonally challenged other half.

If your significant other is going through the *whispers* change of life, then read on, this post is for you.

If she isn’t at this stage of life yet, read for future reference. You’ll thank me!

Jewellery

Steer clear of chokers if, like me, your beloved has acquired an extra chin. Or two.

Lingerie

Us women know how you men love to wander through the lingerie department on Christmas Eve. It adds a little frisson of excitement with the added bonus that you just might get your leg over this festive season if we neck down enough mulled wine. It is Christmas, after all!

Reality check..

The skimpy bits of string modelled by anorexic looking dummies will most likely not translate as well onto your other half’s posterior. Thongs (bum floss) should only be worn by those with a functioning bladder.

Perfume

You’ll still be in an hypnotic trance brought on by the sight of all those bras and knickers as you stray into the land of the orange people (the beauty section) whilst looking for the exit. The combined scents of the perfume section are just about to put you in a coma when you have a brainwave…

“I know, I’ll buy the light of my life her favorite perfume – the delicate floral one she’s worn for the last thirty years”

Alas, due to hormonal changes, that perfume now smells like fox piss and will continue to do so until her hormones settle down again.

Cautionary note…

My dad bought my mother some Tweed when she was going through the menopause in the 1980’s. I now associate that smell with flying plates and slamming doors. I get flashbacks whenever I smell it.

Anti-Ageing Products

In the name of all that is Holy, DO NOT buy the menopausal lady anti-ageing make up or skincare products. You might as well write “Merry Christmas, you old crone!” on the gift tag.

We all buy it but you’re not supposed to know that. It’s our little secret.

Body Hair Removal Appliances

My OH asked me if I would like an “all singing, all dancing” body hair removal thingy for Christmas. I replied, “Yes dear, if you don’t mind spending the day at A&E having it surgically removed FROM YOUR ARSE!!!”

We might be turning into Sasquatch at an alarming rate but we deal with this in the beauty salon (if posh) or the bathroom with a Bic (if not). It’s our secret.

However, it is perfectly acceptable for women to buy their middle-aged OH’s nose and ear hair trimmers…

Stuff what requires AA batteries (or a small generator)

As you wander up the high street clutching a carrier bag containing naff slippers and a bath bomb, you spot a well known British multinational retailer company specialising in sex toys and lingerie, and think, “Ah ha!, I will buy my sweetie pie a little something to ‘blow out the cobwebs’ as it were.

Problem is that, being a bloke, you’re bound to buy something totally inappropriately sized for a woman who’s squeezed out babies the size of, er, Wales. So your ‘purse’ sized one will pail into insignificance compared to the seven inch bad boy she’s got stuffed in an old boot at the back of the wardrobe.

Get out of there, now!

No, don’t stop to look at the French maids outfit! (or the pretty girl serving behind the till) Your good lady is hormonal (bordering on psychotic) and more likely to strangle you with it than flick a feather duster around in it.

Kitchen Knives

Not a good idea for a woman who’s bang out of oestrogen to be honest…

Anything from Poundland

No.

Books

Steer clear of murder mysteries – don’t want to be giving her any tips.

Petrol Station Goods

Rest assured, if Schnookums rips open the wrapping paper on Christmas morning to find an ice scraper and a Magic Tree (or cheap equivalent) you’ll die.

A Onesie

In my opinion, the onesie is the worst fashion crime since the shell suit.

Hot sweats, malfunctioning bladders and general insanity make the onesie a no go area for menopausal ladies. “Eh-Oh!!” for sure or “soggy bottom” as they say in the Great British Bake Off!

Ped-Egg

You would only buy this as a gift for somebody you truly despise.

This year, I asked OH to have Alan Titchmarsh gift wrapped for me, complete with wellies and trowel. In return he can have Wendy James (Transvision Vamp).

Ol’ Wend doesn’t have quite the same allure as she did in the 80’s (when OH was spotty) whereas Titchmarsh has aged like a fine wine and can still lay a decent patio.

I hope my little what not to buy guide helps to keep the yuletide A & E free.

Just to add that this isn’t representative of all menopausal ladies, so don’t panic! Some are total Goddesses. Sadly, I am not.

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.~ Joan Rivers

Image Credit Via Flickr

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24 thoughts on “What Not To Buy The Menopausal Woman This Christmas

  1. Lol great list – most of those are probably not advisable for non-menopausal women as well! Anti-ageing products are definitely a no-no – what do you mean I’m not eternally youthful-looking?! 🙂

  2. Tracy I pity your OH on Christmas morning, you do know that he can’t get you Alan Titchmarsh so what is the poor sod meant to get you. This is seriously funny and should be found in a living with the menopause book. I would be happy with a few of the above items, so what I am left thinking is that I’m not very far along in the menopause! Love you funny lady. Xxxx

  3. Oh hon this is funny stuff, my fave being “Steer clear of murder mysteries – don’t want to be giving her any tips.” Hopefully it’s not that bad?

    Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and happy new year xx

  4. Love this! I think every husband in the world should be given a copy (whether or not his beloved is menopausal!). Merry Christmas! x

  5. Oh you do make me laugh! We saw an advert for Victoria’s Secret undies on the telly last night and hubby was looking all raising his eyebrows at me. I said they I only look good on 6ft tall size 6 models – not 50+ curvy girls! How hard is it to buy something for us? Hope you do get some thing you like x

  6. I’m still wiping the tears away from my eyes – laughter tears! Very funny primarily because it’s so close to the truth! I love all of it, the scent in particular is funny because I have a similar experience to a perfume called ‘So’ (not sure if still available but it smells like sh*t and was always lingering in the air when my mother was at her worst!!)
    I just hope, after all of that, he doesn’t decide to “play safe” and get you something for the kitchen like a new set of saucepans – which I got one year from my dearest *ahem* and a box of shortcake biscuits.
    Oh, he learnt a valuable lesson that year…
    Best of luck for Christmas xx xx
    *fingers & legs crossed (for different reasons!)*

  7. Reckon you’ve just about got it covered that Tracey. This should have been put under the nose of any many who has a wife post 40….love the bit about the perfume smelling of fox piss. Oh dear lord, is this what I’ve got to look forward to?! Or perhaps he has?! x

  8. Omg that’s hilarious ! Sadly I have to admit as to being able to tick the boxes as a recipient of most of those things including the one that requires batteries. That year I’d asked for a dolls house , how could that have possibly be misinterpreted ? This year I asked for the new babiliss curler, I got a battery operated nail polishing thing. I have gel nails, say no more…..

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