You Want To Put That Camera Up My What?


I saw the gastroenterologist on Monday and gave him my list of symptoms that I’d typed up via a Word document. Mr Gastro was most impressed with my graphic descriptions. “Well described!”, he said. I preened a bit.

‘Are you thinking cancer?’, he asked. I answered truthfully, ‘Yes!’.

Mr Gastro then ordered a colonoscopy.

At the mere mention of the word, my bum cheeks involuntarily clenched and my bum-hole snapped shut faster than a Venus Flytrap. You see, I’d consulted Dr Google a few (hundred) times leading up to the appointment so I knew exactly what it entailed.

Mr Gastro told me that he doesn’t think it’s cancer. I told him that while I appreciated that he was trying to put my mind at ease..both my parents had cancer. Dad’s being the aggressive kind which saw him trundling along the conveyor belt in the crematorium within six months of being diagnosed.

He didn’t try and fob me off with IBS. In fact, he never mentioned it. He thinks my symptoms require a closer look and by closer look, it means shoving a camera up my bum.

He proceeded to tell me what he thinks it is. Which is that my bum and stomach are ‘not communicating with each other. Typical, even my insides have social interaction issues!

At this point he told the nurse to make it a combined colonoscopy and gastroscopy. Basically, a camera up the chuff and one down the throat in the same appointment, folks.

If the tests come back clear, he will refer me to a specialist to sort out the ‘communication’ problems.

So I’ve been issued with some preparation (stuff what gives you the shits) and I have to wait a decade for an appointment to come through, as there is apparently a huge waiting list. I’ll probably die of old age before I get one. Or the Tories will have killed off the NHS in which case, I’ll have to flog a kidney to sort my bowels out.

In the meantime, I am tormenting myself with the gloom and doom from off the net…

Colonoscopies aren’t the most pleasant (or dignified) of procedures. You have to eat a special diet two days before the test and then you drink the preparation and wait for the world to fall out of your backside. Not looking forward to that, truth be told, but at least I’ll briefly be able to get into those skinny jeans I bought in a moment of denial last year.

No doubt I’ll be made to wear one of those ridiculous gowns that make you look like a complete twonk. Incidentally, I put one on the wrong way for a gynae examination and ended up flashing my minnie to a corridor full of old people. The nurse frog marched me back into the cubicle before one of them had a coronary.

To say I’m anxious is an understatement of massive proportions. They’ll be no need for that preparation because I’ll have shit myself dry with worry by then.

I’ve had procedures done before. I’ve been under GA twice and had umpteen people poking around in my insides. I’ve had an emergency C section and given birth TWICE, all without fear but now I’m a wimp and I blame the menopause because when my oestrogen buggered off, so did my bottle!

A colonoscopy involves a thin flexible tube being coaxed around the bowel. It allows them to see what’s what and you can watch it on the monitor if you wish…

Er, no ta.

I’d rather watch the box set of Geordie Shore, without sedation.

It can find ulcers, polyps, inflammation and tumors. It is the most effective way to diagnose cancer of the bowel.

My Googling sessions have advantages and disadvantages.

Advantages are the numerous people who say ‘colonoscopy? Walk in the park! Didn’t even know they’d been in!’ He he.

The disadvantages are the people who, for whatever reason, have had the experience from hell and feel the need to put the fear of God into everybody else.

There will always be these stories, not just to do with colonoscopies, but with most things. There are risks with this procedure but there are risks with all procedures. My dad’s misdiagnosis’s shook my faith in doctors but maybe I should focus instead on the fact that they probably saved the life of my youngest son who had to be born via emergency C section because I was bleeding internally, my eldest who had a testicular torsion and my middle son who was hospitalised as a baby with gastroenteritis. Mum’s cancer was caught early. My dad was extremely unlucky but I do have more to be thankful for than not.

I rationalise that given my symptoms, it’s probably wise to go through with it. Chances are it’s not anything sinister but leaving it to chance isn’t a risk I should be taking given my family history.

So I have to find a way to keep myself relatively calm over the next few months until it’s all over. My coping mechanism is to find the humour in the situation. Tell a few crap jokes. (ha ha) Also, I make no apologies for talking about matters of the arse because I think that we don’t talk about it enough. We get embarrassed about bum stuff and that costs time and ultimately, lives.

If you haven’t already guessed, I’m bricking it, and I’ll probably have talked myself out of doing it by the time the appointment comes. So I need people to tell me to stop being such a silly cow about it.

I’ll tell myself it will all be OK. I’ll wear the silly pants and try not to die of embarrassment when the air that’s been pumped into my bowels explodes in the consultant’s face. Another perk..

When I saw Sara’s (Mumturnedmom) prompt was calm, it reminded me that I must try to be as calm as possible or I’ll end up running out of the hospital still wearing my paper pants and flashers gown.

Going for an Eartha Kitt ~ Jim Royle


26 thoughts on “You Want To Put That Camera Up My What?

  1. This made me chuckle. Not the fact you had a camera shoved up your bum of course – no one needs that. You are very funny. Loved reading this. Much like me, try and make light of a bad situation. I also can’t stand Geordie Shore – I’d rather stick pin in my eyes. Ps: thanks for commenting – I left you a reply. Xx

  2. Oh bless you lovely. It’s serious stuff, but you made me laugh. Sometimes the best way to deal with scary things is with dark humour. You’re right, no one wants to die of embarrassment, as unpleasant as those procedures are it is right to have them done, especially considering your family history. It sounds like you had a very understanding doctor who listened to you. Fingers crossed the tests will show nothing but your digestive organs’ ‘social interaction issues’ as you put it! Deep breaths and be as calm as possible. Sending positive thoughts your way xxx

  3. Tracy, this is so serious but you really made me laugh! It’s like *black* humour used in the most stressful of times by NHS and other staff….. there’s that saying (I think, a bit drugged up here) if you didn’t laugh you would cry. Asides from the laughs anybody who cares and loves you, would know how stressful this is for you, even the most *normal* of person would worry but you carry the added burden of being sensitive to sounds, smells etc! something that comes in bucket loads within the hospital environment. Anybody would obviously be sensitive to having a scope shoved up their bum and down their throats, unless into some sort of S & M sexual things I know nothing, repeat nothing about.
    Remember and hold onto this thought when you want to back out of that hospital theatre room, if you don’t have the balls to do this for yourself, you MUST do it for M and the kids. Just think if your mum or dad had had the option to do something about their illness’s but chose not to, just how angry that would have left you feeling with them in your dark alone days. Also, with all S’s stresses, imagine you have 2 choices, this done to you or something similar done to him, you would push him aside and take it on the chin (up the bum & down the throat) for him. Maybe just maybe it won’t be as bad as you imagine and I’m sure you will find between now and then somebody who has had it done and with the most awful horrific stories, a bit like women enjoy scarring others women about childbirth, why do people get pleasure out of that??? I was going to put, go with the flow Tracy but what the fuck do I know?? What I’m trying to say is that no two experiences will be the same and you just might be the star patient (I think I just saw a pig fly past my bedroom window) no, this is no laughing matter, naughty Sheerie!
    Love you in huge bundles xxxxx
    Ps, your back to front gown error, I had a little error of my own back in the day of my very 1st smear test. The Dr said to take my bottom things off and get onto the table while he left the room, I did this with the upmost confidence which was all a show, I was as nervous as fuck due to *horror* stories people had kindly shared with me. Imagine his and mine faces when he walked back into the room and told me I was the wrong way round on the table, I had placed my head at the end with the light……oh dear!

    • LOL Sheerie, I laughed about your little ‘error’ πŸ˜‰
      I think you’re right about the children thing…if it was me or one of the boys, there would be no hesitation. I would endure anything if it meant that they didn’t have to so maybe that’s what I should focus on.
      Thank you for your lovely comment, it’s much appreciated. Love you loads, dear lady. πŸ™‚ xXxXx

  4. Brilliant that you can find a level of humour in all this, it’s a valuable tool in times of trouble. I hope all goes as well as can be and they get to the bottom (sorry) of the problem. Feel well soon πŸ™‚ x

  5. Oh hon you write so wittily about this stuff, even though you must be feeling dreadful about it. GET OFF GOOGLE! He is not your friend right now, the best thing to do (which is about a zillion times easier said than done) is to try and put it all out of your mind until you’ve had the procedure. Very best of luck, really hope it’s nothing untoward. Sending gentle hugs xx

  6. Dr Google is not a wise person to consult in the run up to these things, easiest way to scare yourself! Stay away!
    Please be brave, and calm. Is there someone you can take with you for moral support?
    Really hope it turns out to be this miscommunication the Dr thinks it is.

  7. Well done you for putting humour in to an embarrassing situation and at the same time raising awareness of an important issue. We shouldn’t laugh because it’s not funny, but your comical representation of it all had me chuckling away. All I can say is good luck and I’m glad you insisted upon it. Just make sure you lie and tell them that you are one of those people who doesn’t respond much to anaesthetic, so you need more of it. Don’t let them talk you in to a lower dose. I know they have been cutting back, as my mum has this done every few years and each time they reduce it.

    • I believe they sedate you (if you need it) or you can have gas & air.
      I have a low threshold for pain so no doubt I’ll need something…
      Awareness is another reason why I chose to write about my experience because I know that so many people ignore symptoms like mine out of embarrassment to do anything about it. We really need to talk arse a lot more than we do. X

  8. Eek! It’s scary stuff, but please don’t talk yourself out of it! You’re right, we don’t talk about ‘bum stuff’ enough, but I think we should because once we get to a certain age a lot of people have problems and are scared to talk, then they think they’re the only ones and it’s something embarrassing etc etc… And then they’re the ones with bowel cancer and they’ve left it too late. I’ve never had the dreaded camera, but I’ve had some weird and wonderful tests and they’re not a lot of fun, but they’re a whole let better than finding out you’ve got cancer.
    Hang on in there and fingers crossed it’s something and nothing.

    • You’re right lovely, a little discomfort or embarrassment IS a lot better than leaving things until it’s too late t do anything about it. I must try not to be such a wimp. πŸ˜‰ X

  9. You totally made me laugh too. I had a colonoscopy done in 2012 and, while the prep sucks, I don’t remember the procedure itself thanks to the sedative they gave me. I did eventually end up with a probable IBS diagnosis, but at least I’m glad I didn’t have cancer or Crohn’s/colitis. I totally hope your dual scope comes back clear and there is a treatment for the “communication issues”. #theprompt

    • Thanks for this, Astrid. It’s good to hear from someone who has had it done..
      From my ‘Googlings’…the prep part does seem to be the worst part of it for most people who have it done. Great to hear your test came back clear. X

  10. I have had this procedure done too. Very ignoble. And the worst part? The tests were inconclusive! All that palaver for no result! Oh well, better safe than sorry eh? Oh…and you do make me laugh out loud!

  11. Finding humour in life’s adversities is so difficult sometimes but you have/do and you’ve done it nobly here – did make me laugh out loud!!
    Gosh, your procedures do sound pretty scary but then again, Doctor Google can sometimes put the heebee-jebeies up us without meaning too! You’re right, we should all talk about our bodies more esp bum stuff as it’s more common than we realise. You;ll be fine on the day, keep calm and remember you’re doing it for the greater good of knowledge. Best of luck

  12. You write with such humour and warmth, even when it’s about a potentially embarrassing situation. Well done you for going to the doctor, for writing about it and for raising awareness. And, please ignore Dr Google for the time being πŸ™‚ I hope you get the all clear lovely, I’ll be thinking about you xx Thanks so much for sharing with #ThePrompt x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s