Surviving Christmas (with marbles intacto)

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Deck The Halls

Christmas officially begins with putting the decorations up and it can be a joy or a pain depending on your disposition. Me? I love looking at them, especially the joy inducing fairy lights, but I totally stress myself out doing it and no, I couldn’t let anyone else do it because I need absolute control over where each sodding bauble goes! *twitch*

If you leave the decorating to your OH, you must try and look TOTALLY amazed when you walk in to their expectant face after they’ve been at it all day. A response like, ‘It’s alright, yeah’, will see you standing in A & E waiting to have a pointy bauble removed from your backside.

Note: OH should be able to sit down by New Year! πŸ˜€

Tangled Lights?

Shove them in a posh glass vase (fooling everybody into thinking it’s deliberate) and buy a new set for the tree.

Top Tip – save those cardboard boxes that Amazon books come in and use them to wrap the lights around when you’re done, innit!

Shopping

Do the lot online.

Stick your gifts in your virtual basket. *CLICK*

Place Order *CLICK*

Pay. *CLICK*

Then wait for the post-person to stick a card through the letterbox because you weren’t in when they tried to deliver them. :/

Food Shopping

See above.

Veg out on the sofa watching Love Actually and imagine our beloved PM dancing about to Jump in Number 10 while your shopping gets delivered to the front door. No being rammed in the ankles by little old ladies on a mission to reach that last packet of stuffing and NO WONKY TROLLEYS!

Awkward Teenagers

Its-so-Unfair

Sod em.

Threaten them with a satsuma and a sugar pig if they utter the words ‘IT’S SO UNFAIR’ or ‘YOU’VE RUINED MY LIFE!’ anytime in December. Yours truly woke up Christmas Day 1984 to no presents AT ALL due to an attitude malfunction the day before. I didn’t even get the satsuma! True story, kids.

Neighbours

Not the Aussie soap.

A BBQ at Christmas? *shakes head*

No, I refer to those people who live next door – the neighbours.

Remember to send them a card, including the miserable gits who’ve missed you out for the last two years. Pick the shittest card from an assortment pack and stick it through their letter box!

TV

Anything on Gold is apt for Christmas, it was good enough for Jesus, right?

Plenty of festive comedy around so kick off your reindeer slippers and have a good laugh at other people’s nightmare Christmases. Ha ha!

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Don’t Know If Reindeer Can Fly But They Keep My Feet Warm!

The In-laws

Who hasn’t fantasized about spending Christmas alone in a cosy log cabin somewhere remote and inaccessible by car? However, the reality is that you will probably be entertaining your parents, OH’s parents or both at the same time.

Here’s my tip..

Alcohol is your friend.

Before the MIL rocks up in her faux fur reeking of Estee Lauder – have a pint of something 40% proof and tell yourself it will soon be Boxing Day. Stick a large brandy in her hand as soon as her coat’s off and let the old girl reminisce about ‘the good old days’ while you manically stab some carrots. She’ll most likely be asleep with her gob open by the Queen’s speech – leaving the kids free to try out their new felt-tips on her face.

Have to say that my MIL was nothing like this. She was the sleeves up and muck in type of lady, Bless ‘er.

Music

I love Christmas music, apart from Slade’s Merry Christmas Everybody which I now despise due to having heard it every year since 1973.

‘IT’S CHRISSSSSSSSTTTTMAAAAAAASSS’

Oh sod off, Noddy!

However, I never tire of listening to Wham’s Last Christmas…

I was 14 when it was first released, back in the day when George had fabulous hair and I, along with millions of others, wished his girlfriend in the video would be flattened by an avalanche. Sadly, George’s hair is long gone now along with any illusions of me being Mrs Michael.

Gifts

Keep the receipts but disown anybody who asks if you’ve kept the one for their gift. Ungrateful gits! *snorts*

Gift – Oh My God – No’s!

Thongs (menopausal women in particular)

Any man who buys his menopausal OH a thong needs to have a word with himself. Stylish but practical is what the hormonally challenged woman needs – not a piece of bunting strung across her lady-garden with what feels like cheese wire up the bum!

I’d avoid buying underwear altogether, chaps. Stick to perfume and hope it doesn’t smell like fox piss when she has a hot flush!

Other Crap Gifts

Ped Egg = Potential nooky ban for life.

Tash removal kit (women) = Grounds for divorce?

Cliff Richard calendar (anybody) = Not even your Nan!

Anything from the petrol station = Your Christmas dinner’s in the dog!!

Anything from Ann Summers = Will potentially be opened in front of the entire family…

Christmas Fayre

Watch Nigella waxing orgasmic over her stuffing for inspiration but the reality is that it will go horribly wrong on the day because you’re pissed but the good news is most everybody else will be pissed as well so they won’t notice that your pigs don’t have blankets or the pudding isn’t quite defrosted.

Stress Relief

Book yourself in for a pre-Christmas lobotomy or failing that – keep something alcoholic in for medicinal purposes.

The perfect Christmas really doesn’t exist and trying to achieve it will see you in a secure unit by December the 27th so save yourself the stress. If, like me, you become overwhelmed pretty quickly then step away from it.

Sod the cards.

Sod the wrapping.

SOD EVERYTHING!!

Load the best Christmas film ever into the DVD machine – put your feet up and relax with a comforting mug of hot chocolate and let Uncle Frank Capra fill your heart with joy and remind you of how wonderful life can be.

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Merry Christmas.

Love, Mummyshambles x

 

Image Credit Kevin Dooley

A Bit Of Everything

 

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22 thoughts on “Surviving Christmas (with marbles intacto)

  1. Fabulous guide to Christmas. Yes to everything on there, except I have been unable to put the decorations up for the last few years having been told by my OH to let the kids do it (gulp). I haven’t been allowed to rearrange them when they’ve gone to bed either. Thankfully, my eldest is now as anal as I was when it comes to getting it right and she’s made a damn fine job of it this year (she doesn’t get told off for being anal about it though – so unfair). Hope you have a great Christmas. Sounds like you’ve got it all susses.

  2. Tracy you need your own pre-Christmas show with these ideas, you will be repeated year in year out on *Dave* and your great great great grandchildren will proudly sit on the moon or wherever housing is then and say *i was related to that woman* as the royalties fill their pockets!
    I have already decided that Christmas will not be perfect thus year, then hopefully it will help to stem my tears as the day goes *tits up*.
    I will be using your idea on put the lights away, well what I mean is, I will be passing that idea on to OH and it’s actually one of his presents that is yet to be wrapped, sitting in the Amazon book wrapping!
    Such a funny blog…..Tracy’s alternative guide to a stress free Christmas!!!
    Big loves πŸ˜˜πŸ’•xxxx

    • Thank you Sheerie, such a lovely comment – as always. πŸ™‚
      Your Christmas might not be perfect but I’m sure it will be lovely and that lovely little granddaughter of yours will LOVE it! πŸ™‚ Lufs you xxxxx

  3. I was reading this agreeing with every word, till we came to the music. You dont like Slade……. that is MY song, it came out the year I was born. Sorry but we can no longer be friends……..

    But thanks for linking up anyway πŸ˜‰ Tracey xx #abitofeverything

    • Would it make any difference if I told you that it was that it was one the first songs I heard on the radio after losing my dad on Christmas Day? I think it’s more to do with that but I didn’t want to put a dampener on the post lol πŸ˜‰ Xx

  4. Awesome! I love this! Although I do feel slightly sick at the thought of the Cliff Richard calendar. Surely they don’t still exist?! My friend is still in denial about George Michael being gay. She believes he’s actually just waiting for her.

  5. I knew I liked you…so much in common! πŸ˜€
    I think I’m quite lucky as my OH likes to cook Christmas dinner, but *whispers* never quite gets it right…
    The tree is definitely my thing although how many days does it take to get yours perfect after you’ve put it up? And do you squint from the corner of the room to make sure the lights are evenly spaced? Oh…just me then…
    I’m sure we will all have a very merry Christmas really, we must just remember not to put so much pressure on ourselves to make everything “perfect”

  6. Oh my word, I LOVE this post! Must remember the bit about teenagers and threaten mine! Wham’s Last Christmas is one of my favourites too – did I just reveal how old I am? Cliff Richard calendar — still laughing here… Merry Christmas, lovely xx

  7. I’m at the ‘sod it all’ stage at the moment, mostly because I’ve not won any of the competitions I’ve entered and now have to *gulp* think of some presents to buy!?

    Have a lovely Christmas and I look forward to hearing all about it afterwards x

  8. Mummy Shambles, Many commiserations re the whole Mrs. Michael blow, but how clever of you to bounce back & realise that amazon packaging & christmas lights are a marriage made in heaven. You’ve transformed my Christmas decs. storage with one post. Heartfelt thanks. xx:)

  9. Hilarious post – wish I’d read it before christmas as there are some excellent tips! Going to be doing the tangled lights in a posh vase thing next year for sure. Happy New (ish) year!

  10. So how did it go?

    Great advice on surviving Christmas – except my girls enjoy the big Christmas shop with all the carols and the shop assistants handing out choccy’s etc, so we do venture out for that πŸ™‚

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