Surviving Christmas (with marbles intacto)

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Deck The Halls

Christmas officially begins with putting the decorations up and it can be a joy or a pain depending on your disposition. Me? I love looking at them, especially the joy inducing fairy lights, but I totally stress myself out doing it and no, I couldn’t let anyone else do it because I need absolute control over where each sodding bauble goes! *twitch*

If you leave the decorating to your OH, you must try and look TOTALLY amazed when you walk in to their expectant face after they’ve been at it all day. A response like, ‘It’s alright, yeah’, will see you standing in A & E waiting to have a pointy bauble removed from your backside.

Note: OH should be able to sit down by New Year! 😀

Tangled Lights?

Shove them in a posh glass vase (fooling everybody into thinking it’s deliberate) and buy a new set for the tree.

Top Tip – save those cardboard boxes that Amazon books come in and use them to wrap the lights around when you’re done, innit!

Shopping

Do the lot online.

Stick your gifts in your virtual basket. *CLICK*

Place Order *CLICK*

Pay. *CLICK*

Then wait for the post-person to stick a card through the letterbox because you weren’t in when they tried to deliver them. :/

Food Shopping

See above.

Veg out on the sofa watching Love Actually and imagine our beloved PM dancing about to Jump in Number 10 while your shopping gets delivered to the front door. No being rammed in the ankles by little old ladies on a mission to reach that last packet of stuffing and NO WONKY TROLLEYS!

Awkward Teenagers

Its-so-Unfair

Sod em.

Threaten them with a satsuma and a sugar pig if they utter the words ‘IT’S SO UNFAIR’ or ‘YOU’VE RUINED MY LIFE!’ anytime in December. Yours truly woke up Christmas Day 1984 to no presents AT ALL due to an attitude malfunction the day before. I didn’t even get the satsuma! True story, kids.

Neighbours

Not the Aussie soap.

A BBQ at Christmas? *shakes head*

No, I refer to those people who live next door – the neighbours.

Remember to send them a card, including the miserable gits who’ve missed you out for the last two years. Pick the shittest card from an assortment pack and stick it through their letter box!

TV

Anything on Gold is apt for Christmas, it was good enough for Jesus, right?

Plenty of festive comedy around so kick off your reindeer slippers and have a good laugh at other people’s nightmare Christmases. Ha ha!

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Don’t Know If Reindeer Can Fly But They Keep My Feet Warm!

The In-laws

Who hasn’t fantasized about spending Christmas alone in a cosy log cabin somewhere remote and inaccessible by car? However, the reality is that you will probably be entertaining your parents, OH’s parents or both at the same time.

Here’s my tip..

Alcohol is your friend.

Before the MIL rocks up in her faux fur reeking of Estee Lauder – have a pint of something 40% proof and tell yourself it will soon be Boxing Day. Stick a large brandy in her hand as soon as her coat’s off and let the old girl reminisce about ‘the good old days’ while you manically stab some carrots. She’ll most likely be asleep with her gob open by the Queen’s speech – leaving the kids free to try out their new felt-tips on her face.

Have to say that my MIL was nothing like this. She was the sleeves up and muck in type of lady, Bless ‘er.

Music

I love Christmas music, apart from Slade’s Merry Christmas Everybody which I now despise due to having heard it every year since 1973.

‘IT’S CHRISSSSSSSSTTTTMAAAAAAASSS’

Oh sod off, Noddy!

However, I never tire of listening to Wham’s Last Christmas…

I was 14 when it was first released, back in the day when George had fabulous hair and I, along with millions of others, wished his girlfriend in the video would be flattened by an avalanche. Sadly, George’s hair is long gone now along with any illusions of me being Mrs Michael.

Gifts

Keep the receipts but disown anybody who asks if you’ve kept the one for their gift. Ungrateful gits! *snorts*

Gift – Oh My God – No’s!

Thongs (menopausal women in particular)

Any man who buys his menopausal OH a thong needs to have a word with himself. Stylish but practical is what the hormonally challenged woman needs – not a piece of bunting strung across her lady-garden with what feels like cheese wire up the bum!

I’d avoid buying underwear altogether, chaps. Stick to perfume and hope it doesn’t smell like fox piss when she has a hot flush!

Other Crap Gifts

Ped Egg = Potential nooky ban for life.

Tash removal kit (women) = Grounds for divorce?

Cliff Richard calendar (anybody) = Not even your Nan!

Anything from the petrol station = Your Christmas dinner’s in the dog!!

Anything from Ann Summers = Will potentially be opened in front of the entire family…

Christmas Fayre

Watch Nigella waxing orgasmic over her stuffing for inspiration but the reality is that it will go horribly wrong on the day because you’re pissed but the good news is most everybody else will be pissed as well so they won’t notice that your pigs don’t have blankets or the pudding isn’t quite defrosted.

Stress Relief

Book yourself in for a pre-Christmas lobotomy or failing that – keep something alcoholic in for medicinal purposes.

The perfect Christmas really doesn’t exist and trying to achieve it will see you in a secure unit by December the 27th so save yourself the stress. If, like me, you become overwhelmed pretty quickly then step away from it.

Sod the cards.

Sod the wrapping.

SOD EVERYTHING!!

Load the best Christmas film ever into the DVD machine – put your feet up and relax with a comforting mug of hot chocolate and let Uncle Frank Capra fill your heart with joy and remind you of how wonderful life can be.

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Merry Christmas.

Love, Mummyshambles x

 

Image Credit Kevin Dooley

A Bit Of Everything

 

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What Not To Buy The Menopausal Woman This Christmas

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In the spirit of the season, I am imparting my menopausal wisdom onto the male of the species so that they may not only survive Christmas, but gain valuable brownie points by not buying something totally crap for their hormonally challenged other half.

If your significant other is going through the *whispers* change of life, then read on, this post is for you.

If she isn’t at this stage of life yet, read for future reference. You’ll thank me!

Jewellery

Steer clear of chokers if, like me, your beloved has acquired an extra chin. Or two.

Lingerie

Us women know how you men love to wander through the lingerie department on Christmas Eve. It adds a little frisson of excitement with the added bonus that you just might get your leg over this festive season if we neck down enough mulled wine. It is Christmas, after all!

Reality check..

The skimpy bits of string modelled by anorexic looking dummies will most likely not translate as well onto your other half’s posterior. Thongs (bum floss) should only be worn by those with a functioning bladder.

Perfume

You’ll still be in an hypnotic trance brought on by the sight of all those bras and knickers as you stray into the land of the orange people (the beauty section) whilst looking for the exit. The combined scents of the perfume section are just about to put you in a coma when you have a brainwave…

“I know, I’ll buy the light of my life her favorite perfume – the delicate floral one she’s worn for the last thirty years”

Alas, due to hormonal changes, that perfume now smells like fox piss and will continue to do so until her hormones settle down again.

Cautionary note…

My dad bought my mother some Tweed when she was going through the menopause in the 1980’s. I now associate that smell with flying plates and slamming doors. I get flashbacks whenever I smell it.

Anti-Ageing Products

In the name of all that is Holy, DO NOT buy the menopausal lady anti-ageing make up or skincare products. You might as well write “Merry Christmas, you old crone!” on the gift tag.

We all buy it but you’re not supposed to know that. It’s our little secret.

Body Hair Removal Appliances

My OH asked me if I would like an “all singing, all dancing” body hair removal thingy for Christmas. I replied, “Yes dear, if you don’t mind spending the day at A&E having it surgically removed FROM YOUR ARSE!!!”

We might be turning into Sasquatch at an alarming rate but we deal with this in the beauty salon (if posh) or the bathroom with a Bic (if not). It’s our secret.

However, it is perfectly acceptable for women to buy their middle-aged OH’s nose and ear hair trimmers…

Stuff what requires AA batteries (or a small generator)

As you wander up the high street clutching a carrier bag containing naff slippers and a bath bomb, you spot a well known British multinational retailer company specialising in sex toys and lingerie, and think, “Ah ha!, I will buy my sweetie pie a little something to ‘blow out the cobwebs’ as it were.

Problem is that, being a bloke, you’re bound to buy something totally inappropriately sized for a woman who’s squeezed out babies the size of, er, Wales. So your ‘purse’ sized one will pail into insignificance compared to the seven inch bad boy she’s got stuffed in an old boot at the back of the wardrobe.

Get out of there, now!

No, don’t stop to look at the French maids outfit! (or the pretty girl serving behind the till) Your good lady is hormonal (bordering on psychotic) and more likely to strangle you with it than flick a feather duster around in it.

Kitchen Knives

Not a good idea for a woman who’s bang out of oestrogen to be honest…

Anything from Poundland

No.

Books

Steer clear of murder mysteries – don’t want to be giving her any tips.

Petrol Station Goods

Rest assured, if Schnookums rips open the wrapping paper on Christmas morning to find an ice scraper and a Magic Tree (or cheap equivalent) you’ll die.

A Onesie

In my opinion, the onesie is the worst fashion crime since the shell suit.

Hot sweats, malfunctioning bladders and general insanity make the onesie a no go area for menopausal ladies. “Eh-Oh!!” for sure or “soggy bottom” as they say in the Great British Bake Off!

Ped-Egg

You would only buy this as a gift for somebody you truly despise.

This year, I asked OH to have Alan Titchmarsh gift wrapped for me, complete with wellies and trowel. In return he can have Wendy James (Transvision Vamp).

Ol’ Wend doesn’t have quite the same allure as she did in the 80’s (when OH was spotty) whereas Titchmarsh has aged like a fine wine and can still lay a decent patio.

I hope my little what not to buy guide helps to keep the yuletide A & E free.

Just to add that this isn’t representative of all menopausal ladies, so don’t panic! Some are total Goddesses. Sadly, I am not.

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.~ Joan Rivers

Image Credit Via Flickr