Deck The Halls
Christmas officially begins with putting the decorations up and it can be a joy or a pain depending on your disposition. Me? I love looking at them, especially the joy inducing fairy lights, but I totally stress myself out doing it and no, I couldn’t let anyone else do it because I need absolute control over where each sodding bauble goes! *twitch*
If you leave the decorating to your OH, you must try and look TOTALLY amazed when you walk in to their expectant face after they’ve been at it all day. A response like, ‘It’s alright, yeah’, will see you standing in A & E waiting to have a pointy bauble removed from your backside.
Note: OH should be able to sit down by New Year! 😀
Shove them in a posh glass vase (fooling everybody into thinking it’s deliberate) and buy a new set for the tree.
Top Tip – save those cardboard boxes that Amazon books come in and use them to wrap the lights around when you’re done, innit!
Do the lot online.
Stick your gifts in your virtual basket. *CLICK*
Place Order *CLICK*
Then wait for the post-person to stick a card through the letterbox because you weren’t in when they tried to deliver them.
Veg out on the sofa watching Love Actually and imagine our beloved PM dancing about to Jump in Number 10 while your shopping gets delivered to the front door. No being rammed in the ankles by little old ladies on a mission to reach that last packet of stuffing and NO WONKY TROLLEYS!
Threaten them with a satsuma and a sugar pig if they utter the words ‘IT’S SO UNFAIR’ or ‘YOU’VE RUINED MY LIFE!’ anytime in December. Yours truly woke up Christmas Day 1984 to no presents AT ALL due to an attitude malfunction the day before. I didn’t even get the satsuma! True story.
Not the Aussie soap.
A BBQ at Christmas? *shakes head*
No, I refer to those people who live next door – the neighbours.
Remember to send them a card, including the miserable gits who’ve missed you out for the last two years. Pick the shittest card from an assortment pack and shove it through their box!
Anything on Gold is apt for Christmas, it was good enough for Jesus, right?
Plenty of festive comedy around so kick off your reindeer slippers and have a good laugh at other people’s nightmare Christmases. Ha ha!
Who hasn’t fantasized about spending Christmas alone in a cosy log cabin somewhere remote and inaccessible by car? However, the reality is that you will probably be entertaining your parents, OH’s parents or both at the same time.
Here’s my tip.. Alcohol is your friend.
Before the mother-in-law rocks up in her faux fur reeking of Estee Lauder – have a pint of something 40% proof and tell yourself it will soon be Boxing Day. Stick a large brandy in her hand as soon as her coat’s off and let the old girl reminisce about ‘the good old days’ while you stab some carrots. She’ll most likely be asleep with her mouth open by the Queen’s speech – leaving the kids free to try out their new felt-tips on her face.
Have to say that my MIL was nothing like this. She was the sleeves up and muck in type of lady, Bless ‘er.
I love Christmas music, apart from Slade’s Merry Christmas Everybody which I now despise due to having heard it every year since 1973.
Oh sod off, Noddy!
However, I never tire of listening to Wham’s Last Christmas…
I was 14 when it was first released, back in the day when George had fabulous hair and I, along with millions of others, wished his girlfriend in the video would be flattened by an avalanche. Sadly, George’s hair is long gone now along with any illusions of me being Mrs Michael.
Keep the receipts but disown anybody who asks if you’ve kept the one for their gift. Ungrateful gits! *snorts*
Gift – Oh My God – No’s!
Thongs (menopausal women in particular)
Any man who buys his menopausal OH a thong needs to have a word with himself. Stylish but practical is what the hormonally challenged woman needs – not a piece of bunting strung across her lady-garden with what feels like cheese wire up the bum!
I’d avoid buying underwear altogether, men. Stick to perfume and hope it doesn’t smell like fox piss when she has a hot flush!
Other Crap Gifts
Ped Egg = Potential sex ban for life.
Tash removal kit (women) = Grounds for divorce?
Cliff Richard calendar (anybody) = Not even for your Nan!
Anything from the petrol station = Your Christmas dinner will be in the dog!!
Anything from Ann Summers = Will potentially be opened in front of the entire family!!!
Watch Nigella waxing orgasmic over her stuffing for inspiration but the reality is that it will go horribly wrong on the day because you’re pissed but the good news is most everybody else will be pissed as well so they won’t notice that your pigs don’t have blankets or the pudding isn’t quite defrosted.
Book yourself in for a pre-Christmas lobotomy or failing that – keep something alcoholic in for medicinal purposes.
The perfect Christmas really doesn’t exist and trying to achieve it will see you in a secure unit by December the 27th so save yourself the stress. If, like me, you become overwhelmed pretty quickly then step away from it.
Sod the cards.
Sod the wrapping.
Load the best Christmas film ever into the DVD machine – put your feet up and relax with a comforting mug of hot chocolate and let Uncle Frank Capra fill your heart with joy and remind you of how wonderful life can be.
Love, Mummyshambles x